SnarkyMoms

I’ve been following the show Burn Notice, as you know if you’ve read this blog before, but now I’ve gone a step beyond the show and I’ve been visiting the USA Burn Notice forum.  Actually, I’ve really gone many steps beyond since I have now read the first Burn Notice book (The Fix, written by Tod Goldberg) and I’ve purchased the as-yet-unopened DVD.  Yeah, I’m a fan.

One thing that has amused me has been reading about all the injuries that people get on the set (I must have a sadistic streak).  During the first season the show was cheap enough to use lead actor Jeffrey Donovan (also known as Mr. Hottie McHottie) to do most of his own stunts.  The show has probably one explosion per episode, and various other acts of violence that could bang up an actor. The worst injury Donovan received was being hit by a clot from an exploding “blood” pack, which smacked him in the lip causing it to swell up like a baseball.  Apparently in the next scene he keeps his cell phone carefully positioned over his face to hide the ballooning skin.  Yes, I’m going to be looking for that on the DVD. 

Donovan suffered other injuries during season one, scrapes and so on.  I’m guessing the director wished he had stock in medical supplies with all the bandaging going on.  Season two has had fewer reported injuries, most likely because Donovan now has a stunt double and scrapes and fat lips suffered by stunt men are far less fascinating than those inflicted upon an unsuspecting leading man.  But Michael Shanks, who has guest starred recently, did cut his hand during the filming of one scene.  He refused treatment, because, you know, the show must go on and all that.  Such a manly man.

Burn Notice is off for three weeks (boo hoo!) then back for two epis.  After that it will resume season two in January.  Good thing I got the DVDs to keep me busy while I wait!

When the kids from High School Musical graduate, perhaps they should eat get a degree online instead of going to college.  They could sit around, staring at their computers, getting fatter by the second, and sing about it.  I’d pay to see that.

 Not. 

I know it’s big.  I know it’s popular with kids, particularly girls.  Even a four-year-old I know is passionate about it.  All I know is:

There are kids. 

They are getting an education. 

They sing. 

It’s been likened to Grease, but that particular musical was not suitable for preschoolers (and the actors were all in their 30s - I really thought that’s how old you looked in high school after seeing it a bazillion times).  Actually, I think I watched it as a six-year-old, I just didn’t get the jokes.

Anyway, what’s the plot of these movies?  Anyone know?

The best show on TV right now is on USA.  Burn Notice is a summer run show with a normal season attitude.  I’m not sure why it’s not on in the fall, to be honest, but I’m glad it’s there for the watching right now.  It’s both funny and serious, with action and intriguing characters and a little MacGyver thrown in.  It’s got that voice-over, explain what the characters are doing technique going on as well, which I like.  Lead character Michael Westen, played by the previously-unknown-to-me actor Jeffrey Donovan, is one of those smart hotties who might be worthy of being the next crush.  Only time will tell! 

The girl’s been watching Hi-5 incessantly.  If you are not in the know (lucky you), Hi-5 is a group of five look-younger-than-they-are folks who sing and dance on a kids show.  They sell DVDs, have a TV show on Discovery Kids network, and tour.  There is an American version and an Aussie version (the former is based on the latter).

 We’ve been watching the handful of episodes of the American show that are in heavy rotation on TV. I have to admit that it’s not horrid.  No lengthy segments of marble-mouthed kids doing mundane tasks twice a la the Teletubbies.  No children doing ridiculously simple moves as if they were performing brain surgery like on Boohbah.  But they do smile these huge, cheesy grins most of the time and they sometimes even wink at the camera while they are talking (ugh).  They do sell it though.  You believe they are that happy.  Or simple. One or the other.

The Hi-5ers are wicked talented. All of them sing live during most segments of the show, and can do anything from gritty rock (well, it’s for preschoolers, so not too gritty, nor too rocky for that matter) to opera.  They all dance too.  Several of them tap dance as well as do modern/jazzy/hip hop stuff. 

They are reasonably cute folks too. I want to say “kids” but by now some of them are hitting 30, so…  Haven’t decided if Curtis could be a hottie if he wasn’t grinning and winking all frickin’ show long.  Anyone else checked this show out?  What do you think?

The great thing about having crushes on celebrities is the way your imagination plays such a huge part in the whole “relationship.”  When your crush is someone you’ve never met, he (or she) becomes the perfect mate - someone who does all the right things for you.   In your imagination he never lets you down, never looks at another woman, and never has smelly feet (unless you like that sort of thing). 

As a life-long fangirl, I know that every fangirl dreams about meeting the object of her crush.  She might even take steps to make that happen.  She attends a concert and waits by the back door after the show, or makes it into the audience at some talk show where he’ll be promoting his latest movie.  She daydreams that they’ll meet over autographs and he’ll take some sort of special liking to her, and they’ll go somewhere and talk, or some other nearly-as-unlikely scenario.  And, since this is her imagination talking, it doesn’t matter if he’s married, or she’s married, or if she did run off with him to live happily ever after in Hollywood there would be nobody to feed the kids and the dog.  Because it’s never going to happen.

Except once in a while, it does.

In my case, no one was running off anywhere, but I did get the good fortune to meet one of my crushes.  We had a few beers and chatted for a few hours.  We even exchanged email addresses, although he doesn’t write much.  And although neither of us had any intention of actually starting anything other than a friendly relationship, it certainly altered my crush status.

Now he has an actual personality.  Not just a shadow of perfection as filtered through the media - an actual, warts-in-all personality.  He’s pretty normal, in fact.  Still an outstanding personality - who can make a living in show business without being a bit unusual? - but very real. 

Hmpf.

It’s kind of hard now to imagine him sweeping me off my feet, bringing me flowers, or doing anything else that collides with reality.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I met him, and I’ll happily jot off an email to him as often as I think he’ll respond.  But… the road to Crushville has a roadblock called reality.  And I’m in a market for a new crush.  Anyone know any new hotties?

Some time ago the media widely reported a story in which a television reverend complained about one of the Teletubbies being a homosexual because “he” carried a purse.  I laughed it off then, but have had far too much time to contemplate it now because my daughter is a big fan of the show.  I’ve watched the same episodes over so many times in a row that I think I’m becoming a Teletubbie expert, to my chagrin.

Tinky Winky is the controversial Teletubbie.  He’s bigger than the others.  We assume he’s male because he’s the only ‘Tubbie that sounds like he’s gone through puberty.  I feel like he’s the geek of Teletubbie-dom.  He doesn’t look as cute as the others. When they all jump up and down and giggle you’re looking at him and thinking, “Dude, seriously? Chill!” 

He’s the one with the “bag.” That’s what he calls it, and that’s what the “voice” that tells us what the hell is going on throughout that show calls it too.  But it’s still a purse.  A big, red purse.

I’ve also seen Mr. Winky in scenes in which he wears a tutu for no apparent reason. Yes, he’s dancing, but I dance too and I’ve never worn a tutu.  And I’m a GIRL. 

So, while I still think it’s silly for anyone to have problems with the Teletubbies because they think one of them is a cross dresser, I do say I wonder why the producers/writers/director/whomever made that particular choice.  Perhaps they wanted to incite controversy.  Or maybe they wanted to be the first to jump on the “man bag” trend.  Perhaps they wanted to fight stereotypes.  Or maybe they just knew in their hearts that a good purse is just really, really handy, whether you are male, or female, or some big purple thing that defies description.

Recently, fellow snarky mom Tori Sullivan referenced the Upside Down Show in her blog, which got me thinking about many cute kids’ show hosts.  For example, the Upside Down Show is (was?) a short-lived Noggin program hosted by Shane and David, a pair of wildly crazy, uninhibited comedians who are better known in their native Australia as “The Umbilical Brothers.” These two “boys” are somehow sexy in the midst of their over-the-top antics, and have captured the imaginations (and fantasies?) of discriminating American moms everywhere. 

Much ado has been made over Blue’s Clues host Steve, who has quite the following amongst the preschool mom set.  Apparently women are attracted to his geeky-but-sweet persona.  I’ve never gotten into that fad, but I do find his post-Blue-alt-rocker self somewhat hot.  I haven’t paid enough attention to him lately to know whether that hotness will hold up or if it’s only the result of a few fortunate black-and-white photos.

Steve’s successor, Joe, does nothing for me. He’s a baby-faced fellow who resignates with the preschool set but not with the ladies.  I’m sure in real life he’s just fine, but when asking inane questions into a camera… it just doesn’t work for him. Although he’s probably making a damn good living doing it!

PBS Sprout has lots of male hosts throughout the day.  Former Birthday Show host Kevin, who is now one of the rotating live hosts of the Sunny Side Up Show, seems like a nice preschool teacher. He’s one of the few guys who is willing to do that silly birthday song dance.  The others modify it to increase it’s manliness.  I’m not sure whether to admire the balls it takes to look that girly on TV, or to wonder if, in fact, he has any. 

There’s some new guy on the Sunny Side Up Show, I think his name is Sean.  My son says his name is “Fun Lovin’ Sean” or something. I think he may have made that up, but who knows.  The jury is still out on him, but so far he’s a bit too weird for my taste. Not that I’d be interested in tasting him.  Ew.

In the afternoon there is Miles, the heavily dread-locked host of the Let’s Go Show.  He looks like a cleaned-up Bohemian but sounds Canadian.  There are times when he appears to feel very awkward talking to puppets.  He moves his hands too much.  The verdict is… eh.

I rarely watch Disney, but there’s that Johnny and the Sprites guy who has potential.  Not sure about him, but I know he’s got a nice singing voice, and he’s able to sell the “hanging out with puppets” vibe pretty well.

I’m sure I’ve left out some.  There are a few nondescript gents on Sesame Street, and there are always the oldies-but-goodies (and some now deceased-ies) like LeVar Burton, Mr. Rogers, and so on.  I don’t think any of them launched any lusty dreams, although I don’t know, those two gentlemen may have been, uh, “inspiring” during their hey day.

Dads don’t have it nearly so good.  Thank goodness for the lovely Nina from Sprout’s Good Night Show, otherwise the guys would be stuck with flaky Tara (”Tara time, it’s Tara time” … ugh) and cute-but-very-preschool-teachery Kelly from the Sunny Side Up Show.  Although Loonette the Clown from The Big Comfy Couch apparently has a scary following of men who get far too much enjoyment from the clock rug stretch.  I guess there’s mechanic-jumpsuit-wearing Brenda from JJ the Jet Plane (who is technically not a host anyway), but she’s hardly sex-kitten material in her work clothes.  I suppose there could be some lust-worthy ladies on Sesame Street, but I haven’t checked.  I’m too distracted by the skits and songs from my youth to pay attention to any potential sex kittens.

Thank goodness for kids’ programming that’s “interesting” for adults too.  It certainly makes the days go by faster!

Dane Cook just turned 36. Thank goodness!  I’m so tired of all these hotties being so young that I can’t have a crush on them. 

Somehow, for me, the older woman, younger man thing just doesn’t work.  I don’t care what other people do, but even in my imagination I can’t make a relationship with a significantly younger man work.  Justin Timberlake, Adam Levine (in the right light), that guy who plays Jim on The Office… all varying degrees of adorable, and all pathetically young.  Pity.

This is a problem because, unfortunately, I’m getting older.  As new men debut on the celebrity scene, they tend to be young(er).  This is getting depressing.  What’s life if there’s no hottie on TV or the radio to fantasize about?

So I just saw that Dane Cook had a birthday and Hallelujah!  He’s not as young as he looks (and acts).  This is a good thing!

Thank goodness for Hugh Laurie, who is still hanging on to his hotness, and a few other fellows who have been able to take the place of former greats like Harrison Ford and William Petersen (who in his new, thinner state, might be regaining his hot-osity).  Now maybe I can add Dane Cook to the list!

How odd is it that 69 year-old Dawn Wells, best known as Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island,” was recently busted with marijuana in her car?  Apparently she pleaded guilty to “reckless driving” and was sentenced on February 29th to five days in jail (eep!  Actual jail time!).  She was also fined $410.50 (where in the world does the $.50 come from?) and placed on probation.  Other more significant charges, like driving under the influence and possession of a controlled substance, were dropped.

After being pulled over for erratic driving, she tried to explain away the marijuna smell by claiming to have recently had smoking hitchhikers in her car.  Her lawyer, who apparently didn’t get that memo, also claimed that a friend left some marijuana in the car without letting Wells know. 

Right.  I’m sure that’s it.